Sunday, November 17, 2002

Morphine



The morphine high is a high like no other. I have had many narcotics, many derrivitives. Nothing is the same. It is a fond memory I have. I have odd fond memories from drugs when I was sick. Times when the drug took me somewhere other than pain and sickness.

It must be pushed. Morphine injected sub-cuetaneously hurts like someone has just injected cement into your veins and then followed it up with hydrocholoric acid and a gaping stab wound. It fucking hurts. It hurts enough to make you think twice. Is the pain really bad enough to get an injection?If it is injected slowly it hurts less. Just less. You can tell a nurse who has had a morphine injection sub-cue themselves. They go slow. They go real slow. Once, I had a nurse jam the needle in and just push the plunger down. I screamed. I wanted to kill that fucking bitch.

Morphine pushed into your I.V., directly into your bloodstream, takes seconds to take effect. One second... nauseating, gagging, waves of black unconsciousness, pain... and the next second...paralysis. Beautiful, numbing, joyful feeling-less-ness. A heavy blanket of warm sand holds your body down and embraces you, taking away the pain and leaving only warmth. You cannot move your arms, you care not to speak. Time stands still and you see the vibrations of time and light move slowly past you like Sunday shoppers.

Unfortunately, it only lasts seconds. The pain remains dull or absent but the paralysis, the sweet numbing nectar disapears almost as quickly as it comes. It leaves me wanting more. I see all too well how this could become a problem. Luckily I am too much of a lightweight. My body cannot handle or process the drug enough for addiction to be a worry. It makes me nauseated, my kidneys can't break it down. I am safe.