Scare

Thursday March 30, 2005
C___ Plaza Imaging Centre. 10:30 am. Waiting Room.

Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit.
I know it is going to be fine. I'm superstitious enough to know that I have worried so much so it won't happen.

These things always seem to happen when I don't expect them. Still, there is this little fear that they will find something-something different. I am not worried about the tumor growing again. I believe we can deal with that before it ever gets as bad as it was.

I am worried that this is something new. Something scary that I haven't been expecting. I am so scared about being sick again. I don't want to be sick. Things are just starting to look up.

Maybe it came back because R and I hadn't learned out lessons yet.

Maybe it has gone away because of all the progress we made yesterday.

I think in some ways I have been wanting it to be something-just to prove I am right-that old feeling that I have to prove that I am not a hypochodriac. But as I am sitting here waiting, thinking about what that would mean, I am Terrified. I really don't want to be sick. Please don't let me be
sick.
This is different than other times. I think in some fucked up way I have wanted to be sick, needed the attention, needed the excuse to rest, but that time is finally over.

Please.